Women can never win.

You're probably in denial about your weight, That is what I woke up to this morning. Post like that make me sick, literally sick to my stomach. This self deprecation of woman's body gets me so heated, so angry that I can barely see straight.
We as women can never win.
If we are overweight but are happy with our selves we are in denial.
If we are skinny but happy with our selves we are anorexic.
We are thrown images daily, no scratch that HOURLY about how a woman "should" look.
Look at almost any magazine cover, watch almost any television ad and you get bombarded with images of medias ideal women.
Or you get images of women "to thin" or "to fat"

 Images like these

Then you get home and it doesn't end.
Online, on facebook, on blogs, on pinterest, tumbler, redit, everywhere you look you see images and posts hating on all shapes and sizes of women.
Its not right!
For example looking at clothes on Pinterest you can't scroll down without seeing "this outfit would be cute if the model wasn't anorexic." Or looking through funny images you can't scroll without seeing a picture of a woman with "Fat fat fattie"

And its not just one type of body that gets this type of attention its all kinds of body types.
skinny girls get told "to eat a sandwich" or regulary asked if they are anorexic, they get nicknames like stretch or bones.
Thick girls get an eye brow raise at a restaurant when they order fries instead of a salad, they get nick names like chubby or fatty.
Athletic girls get told they need to unwind, they need to eat a cheese burger. They get nicknames like beast, or dyke. They get asked if they take steroids
They all get asked,  "your going to eat all that?" You've probably heard that before, you probably just heard it in the condescending tone of voice you've heard it in all your life.
Its not fair, its not nice.
Why can't we support eachother, why can't we accept eachothers bodies?
WHY do we hate so damn much?
We need to not judge eachother based on body type, we need to accept who we are, and what we look like. Be happy with who WE are and not hate others for who THEY are.

Ugh this rambling rant is over. I hope my point came across clear.

First hair cut!

My little boy is growing up way to fast. He'll be 16 months on the 13th. That CRAZY 2 years ago around this time I found out I was pregnant. Now, he's a toddler running around like crazy, trying to make my hair go gray early.
He is the joy of my life, and my baby.
Or was my baby, now he is a toddler. His new hair cut reaffirms this too. He no longer LOOKS like a baby!

Before

before

during

during

after

after

Guh a buzz cut. What have I done? All his beautiful soft baby hair. It makes me cry, seriously, I cried.
He's got to grow up though right? And he looks cute regardless of what his hair looks like.
So even though he no longer looks like a baby, he'll always be my baby.
I love him so much.

Wayne

I've been delaying doing this post for a while now. I'm lost in thought, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm still in denial.
On March 21st 2012 we lost a good friend to suicide.
Wayne. Wayne was a good friend, a great friend. Full of heart he hid it from people who didn't really know him by being a sarcastic asshole. If you could get past his walls he was one of the best friends you could ever have. He was the first of my husbands friends that I hung out with. As soon as we got introduced he looks straight at my husband and says "Good choice, A whole lot better than the last one man" And gives me an ear to ear grin.

His ear to ear grin

After hanging out with him a few times he grew on me like moss on a tree. One evening I turned to him and said "Hey Wayne, I don't have many friends...... Will you be my friend." He blinked at me like I just said the stupidest thing he's ever heard. A grin slowly spreads across his face and he laughs "I don't think I've actually had anyone ask ME to be their friend...... Yeah, yeah Lorren I'll be your friend."

Though I loved him, I was one of the many. My husband considered him his best friend, and so did countless other. He was one of the guys that even though you hadn't hung out with him in a while, he'd still be there for you if you called and needed help.

"big smiles" A toast to Wayne
(At his memorial)

I don't know why he did what he did, I don't know the back story, I don't know how he felt. We saw him the Saturday before and nothing seemed amiss. But, now he is gone, we can never ask him why. I know he will be missed. Rest in peace Wayne, your demons can no longer get you where you are.

A Letter to Lucus.

I wrote this letter to a 6 year old boy who's 10 week old baby brother just died.

Dear Lucus,

                       You don't know me but my name is Lorren and my Momma is friends with your Momma. I heard that you lost your little brother. He's an Angel now. I lost my baby brother too, he was only 18 days old.
                       I know it's hard. Your Momma and Daddy are probably really sad. You might be sad too, or angry, or you might not understand how you feel. It's OKAY though. You can scream, you can cry, you can just sit and think if you need to.
                      Right now your Momma needs you to be her big helper. Can you do that? She needs your hugs and kisses. She needs your help doing little things around the house.
                      Your daddy needs help too. He needs help taking care of Momma and you.  He also needs your hugs and kisses too.
                      It's tough, I know, but it gets better. It might take a while, but everything will be okay. Your Parents love you, Noah loves you, and he is watching over you from Heaven.

An Understanding Friend.

Lorren.

Me holding my brother Nelyn